dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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