i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
