My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
