Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
