Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
