the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
