im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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