No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
