I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
