How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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