i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
