Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
that's an acceptable place to lick
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
