Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
