i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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