it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
