So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
