i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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