Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
