be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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