I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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