I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
