You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
