I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
