I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
