Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
