mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
