Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
