Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
