I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
