Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
