So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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