So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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