the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
