Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
