I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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