You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
