Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
