Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
