1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
