dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
