A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
