I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
