Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
