It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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