At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
