yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
