So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
