Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
