At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
