Your mouth is God's brothel.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
