maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
